Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
felt that
la cocaina
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Wednesday
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Bill is short for Billiam
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now