Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.