Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE