Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.