Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
😭😭
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting