Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B