Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap