Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
What legos do when we’re not looking.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”