Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

my name if I was in the mob

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…