dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.