dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
You Might Also Like
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
dead inside
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
True.
