[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically