[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Just ordered me some pizza!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.