Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*