Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.