Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

me logging onto twitter

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

The Friday File.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”