Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.