Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.