Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight