Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.