Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emma is smarter than all of us.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

ㅤ

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?