Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Safety first

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.