Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“and how does that make you feel?”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
This is amazing.
