Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

He is just living hist best little life 😊

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?