Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.