Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

I need to get some bricks…

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.