Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

how much for the angry fruit?

Every photo I’m tagged in

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

are there any atheist mantises?

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda