Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

181.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.