Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!