Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
A great first step 😂
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*