Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.