Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
You Might Also Like
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird