Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.