“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.