Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you