“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I had to Stop for this
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.