Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.