Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.