Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Confused owl: What?!
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.