Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious