Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs