Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
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Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.