Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I cannot stop laughing at this
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster