Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
