Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Tier 3 meme

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.