Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
![]()
You Might Also Like
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.![]()
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?