Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”