Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
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8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
So that’s what we looked like?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Fries, not lies.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski