Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
Sounds like a real hoot.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.