Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Brilliant!

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

💀😭

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools