disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
#ParentingFacts
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing