Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
OH COME ON
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.