Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”