Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
🫡
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
💻🤡
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.