Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up