Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

[shakes fist at other fist]

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

When you’ve simply given up.

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers