Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”