Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.