Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
how to have fun when you’re poor
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.