Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
