Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast