Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Did my cat write this
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
bro what is going on at twitter
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker