Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

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Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question


Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.


True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.


Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.


History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war


I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old



[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang