Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Dispatch: 5th one today
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Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
me: yes but where
Oh, almost forgot
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang