dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Unexpected Judgment
