Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day