Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

airing out the snack pack

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.