Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”