Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.