Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

👍

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room