Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Where is your GOD now????

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮