Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared