Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Every house has this drawer

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!