Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the saddest jazz hands ever

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again