Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

I ate everything, including the H.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.