Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years