Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
こいつ天才
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale