Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”