Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay

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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security



♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫


Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.


Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?


My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.