Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay

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16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year


I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.


ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok


I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”


Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.


I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens


I wink at myself in the mirror and say “you got this” as I straighten my tie, pull on my suit jacket, and head down to the washing machine with a hamper overflowing with pajama pants