*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao