*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still