*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy