Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”