Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Basically.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet