diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t