Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.