dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
You have been warned.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank