Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends