Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”